omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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