She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
