My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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