we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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