When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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