guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
