Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
