fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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