im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
