Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
