i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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