What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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