My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
