can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
