I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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