if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
