I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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