all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
