ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
