you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize