That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
