First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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