My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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