so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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