P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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