Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
