Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
why do cheetos always look like penises
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
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You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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