You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
