i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
