the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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