You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
