My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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