I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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