So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
