I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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