Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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