Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
