Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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