Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
