I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
