I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
