maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
