I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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