Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
