My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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