she was so not down for the gang bang
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
