eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Houston, we have a blender
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
