Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
