I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
