So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
