You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
