Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
