I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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