I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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