Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
