I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
