I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
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