literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
